How to Lose All Your Twitter Followers in 10 Days
Here is a great 10 Day Plan to help you lose all your Twitter followers. Of course, you could choose to do the opposite and use these tips to get more followers instead.
Day One – Only Talk About Yourself
You really are the most interesting person in the world. Why wouldn’t the rest of us want to know what you ate for breakfast and how that nasty skin rash on your arm is doing? The world is waiting to hear more detail about you and what you think. Don’t waste any of your time sharing your expertise or actually engaging with anyone else. Just keep shouting. Oh, and do please USE CAPITALS as much as possible, because we love that too.
Day Two – Repeat 5 Messages Over & Over Again
The last thing your twitter followers want is for you to produce any original material. Once you’ve come up with a few choice items, keep sending them out like some kind of demented recording on a loop. Repeat the same 5 messages again and again until we unfollow you or die of boredom.
Day Three – Tweet Rarely
If you… only… tweet… every… now… and… again, your twitter followers will never really get to know you. To be honest, if you are hardly ever around, we probably don’t want to. If you don’t care about us enough to talk to us, well…
Day Four – Never ReTweet
Here’s a good idea: if you see someone else say or link to something really interesting, why not keep it all to yourself? That way, you can prevent them from being discovered by anyone else. For goodness’ sake don’t retweet them or everyone will benefit from what the tweet contains. Make a special point of never retweeting anything your twitter followers say.
Day Five – Use Profanity
If you want to avoid losing twitter followers, keep it clean. Luckily we want to get rid of as many as possible, so just keep on a-swearin’ and a-cussin’. If people don’t like it, they can just unfollow you. The object of the exercise is to ensure that at least one in every five of your tweets contains one or two four-letter words. That way, you should catch just about everyone by surprise. We really like it when you use particularly ripe terminology.
Day Six – Be Negative and Sarcastic
Don’t you hate it when people are positive, supportive and generous? A great way to lose twitter followers is to be obnoxious and argue with everyone. One tactic is to wait patiently, watching the stream until someone says something pleasant about someone else. That’s your chance to pounce with a caustic remark. It helps to be convinced you’re always right.
Day Seven – Never Thank Anyone
If you still have any followers left, try this tactic. If anyone retweets something you’ve said, just pretend it didn’t happen. If one of your Twitter friends passes a referral or recommendation your way, just take it and keep quiet. The last thing you should do is thank them, if you want to lose all your followers.
Day Eight – Ignore People Who Speak to You Directly
If someone addresses you directly on Twitter, just ignore it. Particularly avoid responding to anyone who might be able to improve your life, career or business. It’s unlikely that you have any left by now, but this should help get rid of the stragglers.
Day Nine – Don’t Follow Anyone Back
So here’s the thing: someone decides you’re interesting (go figure) and they start following you. You haven’t managed to put them off yet, so it’s a minor miracle. Here’s a good way to put them off: don’t follow them back. Better still, only follow Twitter users who are obvious spam or pornbots. Simples.
Day Ten – Be As Dull As Possible
If everything else fails to lose you twitter followers, if you still have a few clinging on like a vampire at a blood bank, this tactic will definitely get rid of them. The trick is to be really, really boring. Tweet nothing that could be remotely construed as interesting. No links to topical blog posts. No breaking news. Definitely not any connections with thought-provoking or like-minded individuals. Avoid expanding anyone’s horizons, or encouraging anyone to push past their self-imposed limitations. Certainly avoid repeating anything interesting that you may see.
The Final Step
This By the way, if I’ve missed any tips for losing twitter followers, please let me know by leaving a comment on this post. There’s only one thing to do now. If you’re not careful, you may accidentally say something interesting and pick up some followers. You wouldn’t want to risk that after all this hard work. The best way to ensure that it doesn’t happen is to stop tweeting right away.
Alternatively, you could do the opposite of everything in this article. You might even make some valuable new connections.